The Woman In The Mirror

Self-image issues: many of us deal with it. We look in the mirror, step on the scale, view photographs and are disappointed, even disgusted, by what we see. This can send us down a spiraling staircase of depression and abusive self-talk. The next thing we know, we feel hopeless and confused, paralyzed by our frustrations and unable to know where to begin - or even if it is worth it.

This is where I found myself last winter. I hated what I saw in the mirror. All I could see was a fat me staring back at me. When I stepped on the scale, I viewed that number as a mirror of who I was. In other words, my physical appearance was all I could see and since that physical appearance was not what I knew it should be or what I wanted it to be, I lost hope.

Having lost hope, I began to grasp at things -- anything that would make me feel pretty or desirable. Grasping at the wrong things. I sought out the help of an old acquaintance, as a makeshift trainer. This old acquaintance didn't know me - he thought he did. He didn't understand me - he thought he did. And he didn't agree with me - Ah, now ironically that is something that we BOTH agreed upon! My faith is integral to my life. I cannot function properly without it. Now seriously, if I had lost hope and I had faith, how much worse would it have been without it?!? Not only did he not share my faith, he was AGAINST it and he made it very clear from the moment I mentioned God in one of my emails.

Working with a trainer who is completely opposite of you faith wise can be quite a challenge. However, I had felt like I needed to continue on. He got me thinking about why I wanted to lose weight. The more I thought about it and the more he hammered it into me, I was wanting to do this for all of the wrong reasons. My reasons were as follows:

• To look better in clothes
• To turn heads - to make people want me (even though I'm taken!)
• To not have to go into the plus size sections
• To like the number on the scale

Amazingly, he led me to the feet of God on more than one occasion. Oh how irritated he would be if he only knew! The more I pondered my reasons, the more I realized how sinful my intent was. All of this pondering led to sleepless nights and spiritual battles unlike I had ever been in. Eventually, I realized that the real reason I should want to lose the weight is because I want to honor the Lord with my body. I not only want to sound like a child of God, but I want to LOOK like one! I do not feel I can do this properly unless I take care of the temple that I have invited Him to live in and work through.

Step One was accomplished. I felt it was time to let the trainer go at this time, for his purpose had been served in my life. Of course this was not the end of God working through these issues with me but it was a major hurdle for me. He began to show me my beauty, from the inside as well as the parts of me that were quite ugly. Spirit Cleanse - it does a body good. HA!

Through the fall and winter, my physical activity waned and my eating habits fell off the wagon. You know, that's probably a struggle I will always deal with. But that is OK, as long as I remain sensitive to the voice of God calling me back to submissiveness in the way I handle my body. He didn't leave me be, but instead kept giving me these little stirrings in my soul.

One night at church, we were doing a Beth Moore study called Sacred Secrets -- AWESOME study. If you haven't read the book or seen the videos, I highly highly recommend it! In that study, she brought up something that tugged at my heart strings:

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:15-16 )

Beth stressed that before my mother even knew that I existed, God knew and He was looking at me in love. He wanted me as HIS secret first. How precious that makes me feel!! This was the beginning of Step Two in my journey of renewing my view of myself. To know that the God of the Universe takes so much pleasure in knowing me. Even before I was known to anyone else. Even before my body was formed. Even in my current form. If that doesn't make me want to honor Him with this body, this temporary blip of a life I have here on this earth, then I don't know what would!

If you are like me and you struggle with the woman (or man) in the mirror, read though Psalm 139. It just may change your perspective. Now, go in confidence, beloved child of God. For He has created you as a wonderfully unique and beautiful being!